Underground Kingz
The Pursue of Happiness
UGK
Lyrics & Rhyme Analysis
15
End
751
Internal
616
Multi
1299
Slant
7
Chain
Rhyme Groups — hover to spotlight
My mother✦ thought only✦ of consoling my father,✦ and paying our debts and retrenching our expenditure✦ by every✦ available✦ means; but my father✦ was completely✦ overwhelmed by the calamity:✦ health, strength, and spirits✦ sank beneath the blow, and he never✦ wholly✦ recovered✦ them. In vain my mother✦ strove to cheer him, by appealing to his piety,✦ to his courage,✦ to his affection✦ for herself✦ and us. That very✦ affection✦ was his greatest torment: it was for our sakes✦ he had so ardently✦ longed✦ to increase✦ his fortune—it✦ was our interest that had lent such brightness to his hopes,✦ and that imparted such bitterness✦ to his present distress. He now tormented✦ himself✦ with remorse at having✦ neglected✦ my mother’s advice;✦ which would at least have saved✦ him from the additional✦ burden✦ of debt—he vainly✦ reproached himself✦ for having✦ brought her from the dignity,✦ the ease, the luxury✦ of her former✦ station✦ to toil with him through the cares✦ and toils of poverty. It was gall and wormwood✦ to his soul to see that splendid, highly-accomplished woman,✦ once so courted and admired,✦ transformed✦ into✦ an active✦ managing✦ housewife, with hands and head continually✦ occupied✦ with household✦ labours✦ and household✦ economy. The very✦ willingness with which she performed✦ these duties,✦ the cheerfulness with which she bore her reverses, and the kindness which withheld her from imputing✦ the smallest blame to him, were all perverted✦ by this ingenious✦ self-tormentor into✦ further✦ aggravations✦ of his sufferings. And thus the mind preyed upon✦ the body,✦ and disordered✦ the system✦ of the nerves,✦ and they in turn increased the troubles✦ of the mind, till by action✦ and reaction✦ his health was seriously impaired;✦ and not one of us could convince✦ him that the aspect of our affairs✦ was not half so gloomy,✦ so utterly✦ hopeless, as his morbid✦ imagination✦ represented✦ it to be.
The useful✦ pony✦ phaeton was sold, together✦ with the stout, well-fed pony—the old favourite✦ that we had fully✦ determined✦ should end its days in peace, and never✦ pass from our hands; the little coach-house✦ and stable were let; the servant boy, and the more efficient (being the more expensive)✦ of the two maid-servants, were dismissed. Our clothes✦ were mended,✦ turned,✦ and darned✦ to the utmost✦ verge of decency; our food, always✦ plain, was now simplified✦ to an unprecedented✦ degree—except my father’s✦ favourite✦ dishes;✦ our coals and candles✦ were painfully✦ economized—the pair of candles✦ reduced to one, and that most sparingly✦ used;✦ the coals carefully✦ husbanded in the half-empty grate: especially✦ when my father✦ was out on his parish✦ duties,✦ or confined✦ to bed through illness—then we sat with our feet on the fender,✦ scraping the perishing embers✦ together✦ from time to time, and occasionally✦ adding✦ a slight scattering✦ of the dust and fragments of coal, just to keep them alive.✦ As for our carpets, they in time were worn threadbare,✦ and patched and darned✦ even✦ to a greater✦ extent✦ than our garments. To save the expense of a gardener, Mary✦ and I undertook✦ to keep the garden✦ in order;✦ and all the cooking✦ and household✦ work that could not easily✦ be managed by one servant-girl, was done by my mother✦ and sister,✦ with a little occasional✦ help from me: only✦ a little, because,✦ though a woman✦ in my own estimation,✦ I was still a child in theirs; and my mother,✦ like most active,✦ managing✦ women,✦ was not gifted✦ with very✦ active✦ daughters: for this reason—that being so clever✦ and diligent herself,✦ she was never✦ tempted to trust her affairs✦ to a deputy,✦ but, on the contrary,✦ was willing to act and think for others✦ as well as for number✦ one; and whatever✦ was the business in hand, she was apt to think that no one could do it so well as herself:✦ so that whenever✦ I offered✦ to assist✦ her, I received✦ such an answer✦ as—‘No,✦ love, you cannot✦ indeed—there’s nothing✦ here you can do. Go and help your sister,✦ or get her to take a walk with you—tell her she must not sit so much, and stay so constantly✦ in the house as she does—she may well look thin and dejected.’✦
‘Mary,✦ mamma✦ says I’m to help you; or get you to take a walk with me; she says you may well look thin and dejected,✦ if you sit so constantly✦ in the house.’
‘Help me you cannot,✦ Agnes;✦ and I cannot✦ go out with you—I have far too much to do.’
‘Then let me help you.’
‘You cannot,✦ indeed,✦ dear child. Go and practise✦ your music, or play with the kitten.’✦
There was always✦ plenty✦ of sewing✦ on hand; but I had not been taught to cut out a single garment, and except✦ plain hemming and seaming,✦ there was little I could do, even✦ in that line; for they both asserted✦ that it was far easier✦ to do the work themselves✦ than to prepare✦ it for me: and besides,✦ they liked✦ better✦ to see me prosecuting✦ my studies,✦ or amusing myself—it was time enough✦ for me to sit bending over✦ my work, like a grave matron,✦ when my favourite✦ little pussy✦ was become✦ a steady✦ old cat. Under✦ such circumstances,✦ although✦ I was not many✦ degrees more useful✦ than the kitten,✦ my idleness was not entirely✦ without✦ excuse.✦
Through all our troubles,✦ I never✦ but once heard my mother✦ complain✦ of our want of money.✦ As summer✦ was coming✦ on she observed✦ to Mary✦ and me, ‘What a desirable✦ thing it would be for your papa✦ to spend a few weeks at a watering-place. I am convinced the sea-air and the change of scene would be of incalculable✦ service to him. But then, you see, there’s✦ no money,’✦ she added,✦ with a sigh. We both wished✦ exceedingly✦ that the thing might be done, and lamented✦ greatly that it could not. ‘Well, well!’ said she, ‘it’s no use complaining. Possibly something✦ might be done to further✦ the project after✦ all. Mary,✦ you are a beautiful drawer.✦ What do you say to doing a few more pictures✦ in your best style, and getting them framed,✦ with the water-coloured✦ drawings✦ you have already✦ done, and trying to dispose of them to some liberal✦ picture-dealer,✦ who has the sense to discern their merits?’✦
‘Mamma,✦ I should be delighted if you think they could be sold; and for anything✦ worth while.’
‘It’s worth while trying, however,✦ my dear: do you procure✦ the drawings,✦ and I’ll endeavour to find a purchaser.’
‘I wish I could do something,’✦ said I.
‘You, Agnes!✦ well, who knows? You draw pretty✦ well, too: if you choose some simple piece for your subject,✦ I daresay you will be able to produce something✦ we shall all be proud to exhibit.’
‘But I have another✦ scheme in my head, mamma,✦ and have had long, only✦ I did not like to mention✦ it.’
‘Indeed!✦ pray tell us what it is.’
‘I should like to be a governess.’✦
My mother✦ uttered✦ an exclamation✦ of surprise,✦ and laughed.✦ My sister✦ dropped✦ her work in astonishment, exclaiming, ‘You a governess,✦ Agnes!✦ What can you be dreaming✦ of?’
‘Well! I don’t see anything✦ so very✦ extraordinary✦ in it. I do not pretend to be able to instruct great girls; but surely✦ I could teach little ones:✦ and I should like it so much: I am so fond of children.✦ Do let me, mamma!’✦
‘But, my love, you have not learned to take care of yourself✦ yet: and young children✦ require more judgment✦ and experience✦ to manage✦ than elder✦ ones.’✦
‘But, mamma,✦ I am above✦ eighteen, and quite able to take care of myself,✦ and others✦ too. You do not know half the wisdom✦ and prudence✦ I possess, because✦ I have never✦ been tried.’
‘Only✦ think,’ said Mary,✦ ‘what would you do in a house full of strangers, without✦ me or mamma✦ to speak and act for you—with a parcel of children,✦ besides✦ yourself,✦ to attend✦ to; and no one to look to for advice?✦ You would not even✦ know what clothes✦ to put on.’
‘You think, because✦ I always✦ do as you bid me, I have no judgment✦ of my own: but only✦ try me—that✦ is all I ask—and✦ you shall see what I can do.’
At that moment✦ my father✦ entered✦ and the subject✦ of our discussion✦ was explained✦ to him.
‘What, my little Agnes✦ a governess!’✦ cried he, and, in spite of his dejection,✦ he laughed✦ at the idea.✦
‘Yes, papa,✦ don’t you say anything✦ against it: I should like it so much; and I am sure I could manage✦ delightfully.’✦
‘But, my darling,✦ we could not spare you.’ And a tear glistened in his eye as he added—‘No, no! afflicted✦ as we are, surely✦ we are not brought to that pass yet.’
‘Oh, no!’ said my mother.✦ ‘There is no necessity✦ whatever✦ for such a step; it is merely✦ a whim of her own. So you must hold your tongue, you naughty girl; for, though you are so ready✦ to leave us, you know very✦ well we cannot✦ part with you.’
I was silenced✦ for that day, and for many✦ succeeding ones;✦ but still I did not wholly✦ relinquish✦ my darling✦ scheme. Mary✦ got her drawing materials, and steadily✦ set to work. I got mine too; but while I drew, I thought of other✦ things. How delightful✦ it would be to be a governess!✦ To go out into✦ the world; to enter✦ upon✦ a new life; to act for myself;✦ to exercise✦ my unused✦ faculties;✦ to try my unknown powers;✦ to earn my own maintenance,✦ and something✦ to comfort and help my father,✦ mother,✦ and sister,✦ besides✦ exonerating them from the provision✦ of my food and clothing;✦ to show papa✦ what his little Agnes✦ could do; to convince✦ mamma✦ and Mary✦ that I was not quite the helpless, thoughtless being they supposed. And then, how charming to be entrusted with the care and education✦ of children!✦ Whatever✦ others✦ said, I felt I was fully✦ competent to the task: the clear remembrance✦ of my own thoughts in early✦ childhood✦ would be a surer✦ guide than the instructions✦ of the most mature✦ adviser. I had but to turn from my little pupils✦ to myself✦ at their age, and I should know, at once, how to win their confidence✦ and affections:✦ how to waken✦ the contrition✦ of the erring;✦ how to embolden the timid✦ and console the afflicted;✦ how to make Virtue practicable,✦ Instruction✦ desirable,✦ and Religion✦ lovely✦ and comprehensible.
—Delightful✦ task!
To teach the young idea✦ how to shoot!
To train the tender✦ plants, and watch their buds unfolding day by day!
Influenced✦ by so many✦ inducements, I determined✦ still to persevere; though the fear of displeasing my mother,✦ or distressing✦ my father’s✦ feelings,✦ prevented✦ me from resuming the subject✦ for several✦ days. At length, again,✦ I mentioned it to my mother✦ in private;✦ and, with some difficulty, got her to promise✦ to assist✦ me with her endeavours.✦ My father’s✦ reluctant consent was next obtained,✦ and then, though Mary✦ still sighed✦ her disapproval, my dear, kind mother✦ began✦ to look out for a situation✦ for me. She wrote to my father’s✦ relations,✦ and consulted the newspaper advertisements—her own relations✦ she had long dropped✦ all communication✦ with: a formal✦ interchange of occasional✦ letters was all she had ever✦ had since her marriage,✦ and she would not at any✦ time have applied✦ to them in a case of this nature.✦ But so long and so entire✦ had been my parents’✦ seclusion✦ from the world, that many✦ weeks elapsed before✦ a suitable✦ situation✦ could be procured.✦ At last, to my great joy, it was decreed that I should take charge of the young family✦ of a certain✦ Mrs. Bloomfield; whom my kind, prim aunt Grey had known in her youth, and asserted✦ to be a very✦ nice woman.✦ Her husband was a retired✦ tradesman, who had realized a very✦ comfortable✦ fortune; but could not be prevailed upon✦ to give a greater✦ salary✦ than twenty-five✦ pounds to the instructress of his children.✦ I, however,✦ was glad to accept✦ this, rather✦ than refuse✦ the situation—which my parents✦ were inclined✦ to think the better✦ plan.
But some weeks more were yet to be devoted to preparation.✦ How long, how tedious✦ those weeks appeared✦ to me! Yet they were happy✦ ones✦ in the main—full of bright hopes✦ and ardent✦ expectations.✦ With what peculiar✦ pleasure✦ I assisted at the making✦ of my new clothes,✦ and, subsequently,✦ the packing of my trunks! But there was a feeling✦ of bitterness✦ mingling with the latter✦ occupation✦ too; and when it was done—when all was ready✦ for my departure✦ on the morrow,✦ and the last night at home approached—a sudden✦ anguish✦ seemed✦ to swell my heart. My dear friends looked✦ so sad, and spoke so very✦ kindly,✦ that I could scarcely✦ keep my eyes from overflowing:✦ but I still affected✦ to be gay. I had taken✦ my last ramble with Mary✦ on the moors, my last walk in the garden,✦ and round the house; I had fed, with her, our pet pigeons for the last time—the pretty✦ creatures✦ that we had tamed✦ to peck their food from our hands: I had given✦ a farewell stroke to all their silky✦ backs as they crowded in my lap. I had tenderly✦ kissed✦ my own peculiar✦ favourites, the pair of snow-white✦ fantails; I had played my last tune on the old familiar✦ piano,✦ and sung my last song to papa:✦ not the last, I hoped,✦ but the last for what appeared✦ to me a very✦ long time. And, perhaps,✦ when I did these things again✦ it would be with different feelings:✦ circumstances✦ might be changed,✦ and this house might never✦ be my settled home again.✦ My dear little friend, the kitten,✦ would certainly be changed:✦ she was already✦ growing✦ a fine cat; and when I returned,✦ even✦ for a hasty✦ visit✦ at Christmas, would, most likely,✦ have forgotten both her playmate✦ and her merry✦ pranks. I had romped✦ with her for the last time; and when I stroked her soft bright fur, while she lay purring herself✦ to sleep in my lap, it was with a feeling✦ of sadness I could not easily✦ disguise.✦ Then at bed-time, when I retired✦ with Mary✦ to our quiet little chamber, where already✦ my drawers were cleared✦ out and my share of the bookcase✦ was empty—and where, hereafter, she would have to sleep alone,✦ in dreary✦ solitude, as she expressed✦ it—my✦ heart sank more than ever:✦ I felt as if I had been selfish and wrong to persist in leaving her; and when I knelt once more beside✦ our little bed, I prayed for a blessing✦ on her and on my parents✦ more fervently✦ than ever✦ I had done before.✦ To conceal my emotion,✦ I buried✦ my face in my hands, and they were presently✦ bathed✦ in tears. I perceived,✦ on rising,✦ that she had been crying too: but neither of us spoke; and in silence✦ we betook✦ ourselves✦ to our repose,✦ creeping more closely✦ together✦ from the consciousness that we were to part so soon.
But the morning brought a renewal of hope and spirits.✦ I was to depart✦ early;✦ that the conveyance✦ which took me (a gig, hired✦ from Mr. Smith, the draper,✦ grocer,✦ and tea-dealer✦ of the village)✦ might return✦ the same day. I rose, washed,✦ dressed,✦ swallowed a hasty✦ breakfast, received✦ the fond embraces of my father,✦ mother,✦ and sister,✦ kissed✦ the cat—to✦ the great scandal of Sally,✦ the maid—shook✦ hands with her, mounted the gig, drew my veil over✦ my face, and then, but not till then, burst into✦ a flood of tears. The gig rolled✦ on; I looked✦ back; my dear mother✦ and sister✦ were still standing at the door, looking✦ after✦ me, and waving✦ their adieux. I returned✦ their salute,✦ and prayed God to bless them from my heart: we descended the hill, and I could see them no more.
‘It’s a coldish mornin’✦ for you, Miss Agnes,’✦ observed✦ Smith; ‘and a darksome ’un too; but we’s happen✦ get to yon spot afore✦ there come much rain to signify.’
‘Yes, I hope so,’ replied✦ I, as calmly✦ as I could.
‘It’s comed✦ a good sup last night too.’
‘Yes.’
‘But this cold wind will happen✦ keep it off.’
‘Perhaps✦ it will.’
Here ended✦ our colloquy. We crossed the valley,✦ and began✦ to ascend✦ the opposite✦ hill. As we were toiling up, I looked✦ back again;✦ there was the village✦ spire, and the old grey parsonage✦ beyond it, basking in a slanting beam of sunshine—it✦ was but a sickly✦ ray, but the village✦ and surrounding hills were all in sombre shade, and I hailed✦ the wandering✦ beam as a propitious✦ omen✦ to my home. With clasped hands I fervently✦ implored a blessing✦ on its inhabitants, and hastily✦ turned✦ away;✦ for I saw the sunshine was departing; and I carefully✦ avoided another✦ glance, lest I should see it in gloomy✦ shadow,✦ like the rest of the landscape.
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